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Coco Rebel –
Thanks ScriptBeat. Glad you like the story, as I was usure how it would be received, given the controversy over misapropriation and the different view points. I was a little stuck on the direction, but weirldy I started writing another screenplay and realised it was the middle and ending to this one. so i'm going to mash them up. I'm looking forward to completing it now.
Coco Rebel –
Thanks MPerlick! This being a new site I didn't expect any comments. Really appreciate the positivity. I'll revise my voice-over lines to try and make them shorter. I will think of different scenarios to open with - the knee on the back/can't breath one seems to be a main contributor towards why people of all colour die in police custody (it's quite universal), so seemed the abvious to go with. I hadn't even considered the George Floyed case, although now that you mention it, it is quite similar. I'm actually based in the UK, so police don't carry guns but can be taser happy instead. Again, your feedback in invaluable and I will put it to good use. Thank you.
MPerlick –
This is an excellent story. All I can add is how you can make it better. The most important thing is making this a spec script that can be sold. The number one priority is to keep your dialogue and voice-over lines short, one to three lines unless absolutely necessary. The beginning opens with a rewrite of the George Floyd and Derek Chauvin story. In your story, Ropo was saved by Chalmers. I think, in real life, the Minneapolis Police would not be reaching for their tasers. They'd be reaching for their guns if one of their own was attacked. I know because I'm from Minneapolis. I generally keep my distance from the Minneapolis Police officers, even though there definitely are some good officers in that Police Force. The other thing is I don't think you should use George Floyd's story unless your screenplay is about George Floyd. Create your own incident where Ropo is saved by Chalmers. I'll add one more thing. In your action sequence at the beginning of the script, don't specify camera angles or point-of-views. That is the job of the director. Your job is to tell your story.
ScriptBeat –
I'm enjoying the story so far and hope you have the opportunity to complete it. Your courage in addressing the concept of misappropriation and the direction you've chosen is commendable! Please keep writing; I'm eager to see how it unfolds. Dialogue is also good. I can see how you may be stuck on the direction to take it. Where are Ropo and Chalmers going to end up? What's the plan? Maybe you're not sure yet.